Sigh...I need a hobby

I have way too much time on my hands. I think that I'm suffering from a bout of infatuation. I may just need to find a hobby. Maybe several of them.

Lyrics | The Flamingos - I Only Have Eyes For You lyrics

Sex With Stuffed Animals... Market Research is NOT STALKING!!!!

Well guys,
I fell back in love with my secret, undercover, wish you were my lover. It was inevitable. He's such an awesome guy how could I NOT love him. I assure you that this is a healthy obsession and not the stuff that movies are made from. No, no Kathy Bates in misery here.

Over dinner with my greatest gal pals in Cleveland at a Mexican restaurant (I've probably gained 5 freaking pounds since I've been here) we discussed my method of collecting research and information on my future boo. Now, for all of you assholes out there that aren't familiar with Market Research let me explain what the hell it is. This is actually my specialty, professionally. I'm hoping that my next job will consist of Market Research and Analysis. I like to collect information, analyze it, and create a strategy to complete the task at hand. My current task, getting next to this dude. My target market: him. Now, for all you dummies out there that like to waste your time finding out things for yourself and viewing your disappointment as a "learning experience" shame on you for being so silly!! I RESEARCH EVERY FUCKING THING BEFORE I waste time, money, and energy pursing and/or purchasing it. I want to see user reviews, whether or not it works, who's tried it out, if it'll be a good fit for me and if it's a waste of my time. I am a LAZY ass individual because of this, I am also VERY efficient. Wasting time is not very efficient. So if I research something as minuscule as a book before I buy it, why wouldn't I research a person before date them????

Riddle me that batman! I bet some of you reading this just had an a-ha moment! Did a light-bulb go off in your head and you just realized that maybe there's a method to my  madness? SHAM FUCKING WOW!

I'm too old to be dating people that I KNOW will waste my time. For what? A free dinner? Some ass? Uh no thanks. You can keep that. The person that I take my precious time to get to know WILL BE WORTHY OF IT. I'm not fucking around anymore folks! So I don't think that there is anything wrong with gathering information on someone to make sure that they are a good investment. Companies pay big bucks for that kind of research. Time is money honey. Now while I will still have to experience the individual of a personal level, I now know that this is an individual that I'd like to get to know.

Now on to some fun stuff...SEX WITH STUFFED ANIMALS.Who's down with being a PLUSHY!!!Haha! I saw an episode of CSI about Plushy's. Think about it: Everyone is in a costume - so I can save money on clothes, shoes and hair. It's probably very difficult to eat with an animal head on so I won't have to worry about gaining weight AND Plushy's get off by rubbing up against each other. I think Crabs is the only STD that you can get from rubbing up against something. I AM ALL ABOUT LIVING AN STD FREE LIFE. You should be as well. Won't you be a Plushy too?? Interested in learning about getting busy with stuffed animals? Go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plushophilia

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS!? LMFAO!!

Black Man - YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT

I think that my secret, undercover, wish you were my lover, might be GAY! I made a move on him and he's clearly giving me his ass to kiss. Bitch, I'm everybody's type...but I don't have a penis. So...f*!k him. Like I said before, I'm TIRED of these NEGRO AMERICAN men giving me their asses to kiss. 

Why do black men think that they are so important and too busy to have interpersonal relationships with people? I'm really trying to understand this. I understand that you may be in grad school, med school, law school or climbing the corporate ladder but YOU ARE NOT BUSY.
 BARACK OBAMA is busy.
1. Obama had time to be mixed in 70's, which I'm sure was quite stressful being though he was raised in a white household
2. Went to COLUMBIA AND HARVARD - a black man going to Harvard TODAY is a big freaking deal, Barack went in the late 70's, early 80's.
3. He was able to land the most intelligent, beautiful, eloquent, chocolate brown, FIRST LADY to every grace THE PRESIDENT'S HOUSE. ( the white house used to be known as the President's House until Roosevelt had Frederick Douglas over for dinner and it caused a fury - google it) Do you know how much of a big deal it was to pull a chick like Michelle? A big damn deal.
4. He becomes the a senator and eventually the 44th and FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  THIS Negro is busy!!!! He manages to have a FABULOUS wife who probably always keeps him on his toes, two beautiful children and runs the FREAKING FREE WORLD. 

This Negro is BUSY

You, you average everyday brown individual, YOU ARE NOT BUSY or as IMPORTANT as you think you are. When I can put your resume and Barack's resume side by side and can't figure out which one of you I want to hire because it's just too hard to compare the two because you both are equally qualified, well then motherfucker, then you can call yourself busy and be deemed important. Until then, get over yourself. You are a legend in YOUR own mind. Try being a black woman then you can talk shit about being stressed, busy and overwhelmed. WE are important. Until then, getthefuckouttaherewiththatbullshit! C'mon son!

It's Christmas time BITCH

I'm leaving for Ohio this Tuesday. YES!!! I told my parents that if they didn't buy ticket home that I wasn't going home. Needless to say, I have a plane ticket home. A PLANE TICKET. They used to send me a nut ass bus ticket ( it's a 11hr bus ride to Cleveland from Philly - forget that). Now they send me plane tickets. Yeah, that's right! Me and Beyonce don't get out of bed for anything less than a plane ticket. I'm glad my folks recognize my celebrity!!!

I went to a "Cookie Exchange" at my buddy Shannon's. Well...I hate cookies now. I was baking freaking cookies like my name was Betty Crocker! I've said it once and I'll say it again, I went to college so that I didn't have to do DOMESTIC SHIT! Needless to say, I'm pretty sure that my cookies tasted like crap! I made oatmeal raisin, coconut, chocolate chip, walnut cookies. Screw those cookies damnit!! Then I made oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip cookies. Uhh yeah, baking is pretty wack!!! The cookie exchange took place from 2:30 to 5:30pm. Of course being the Negro American that I am (CP time), I showed up a 4:30 when everyone else was leaving! Damn! I missed the whole exchange! I did however get to chill with my buddies Sabrina, Shannon and her politically incorrect boyfriend, Will. HA! Well Shannon had a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 that I had THREE glasses of (straight). Then we went to Los Magarita's. I had 2 giant ass margaritas, a shot, offended the bartender, messed up and got my friend to pay her bill when the bartender was going to comp her drinks (oops), refused to pay the bartender (thanks for taking care of the tab Sabrina) and woke up butt ass naked. DAMN!! Needless to say, I ENJOYED MYSELF!!!! HAHA!! Good food, good drinks and good friends make my life worth living!!!!

Us and my reindeer headband. Santa's 14th reindeer, Drunko. Ha!! I'm working on it!

My New Years Resolution: No drinking till March. I'm really trying to get back to the young lady that I used to be before I came to this land of miscreants who drove me to a world of drinking scotch, cursing like a sailor and carrying a can of mace with me everywhere I go! Where is Mr. Rogers when you need him!? If you like argyle sweaters, table manners, light jazz and white picket fences....oh won't you be my neighbor?

The Randomness...

I can't believe that only few people read my "What would Michelle do" blog. If there were any of my blogs to read - it would've been that one. It's about how a black professional women deals with the day to day bullshit by stifling herself and ask "what would Michelle do" before ripping into a co-workers ASS!!!!

So here is my random thought for the evening...

Children get on my fu$^%$ nerves!!! Yeah I said it. I'm in the bar and this punk ass (not cute at all) little kid is running through the bar causing all of this ruckus!!! I wanted him to fuck with me so bad so I could lay his little ass out in hopes that his mom would step to me, so I could choke the shit out of her for letting that little jerk invade my personal space. Unfortunatley he didn't. That's where I'm at these days. Choking the shit out of ppl.

What would Michelle do?

In my quest of becoming a bourgeois Buppie and the perfect wife (in public ha!) to my future husband, I am finding that to delve into this world; an opinionated woman such as myself, will have to learn how the hell to shut up sometimes! One of buddies tells me that there is no filter on my mouth...it all just flows right out. This is true. I have to say though that I am maturing and exercising this little thing called diplomacy. Unfortunately for my efforts, I am a Leo who likes to drink scotch - quite often. That combination alone is enough to make the FCC blush. Now factor in the fact that my previous employer just hired TWO perky blondes to replace little 'ole BROWN me - after praising me and my work ethic none the less. My new saying: "Being colored is a metaphysical dilemma that I've learned to conquer yet."- (the brown girl movie) So let's see we have LEO (by the way, I'm a text book leo to the tee. Google us, we can be some real assholes if we want to be) + My love of scotch + Angry ass Negro American = What the FUCK would Michelle do?!

Arghhh!! I've just recently had to take a pause in the midst of calling someone a mutha-fucka and say to myself, what would Michelle do in this situation. She is an eloquent and intelligent lady, first lady to be exact. There was once a time too when I was such a lady. Then I moved to Philadelphia. This Quaker City racism, paired with the fact that there really are NO available men, (an available man to me is one that DOES NOT have children, has an education (four year degree and up) and is down with Jesus - oh yeah and straight), and these pretentious elitist running around with all of their heirs, has made less than a lady. As a matter of fact, using the F word was just as normal to me as brushing my teeth in the morning or washing my hands after I have used the bathroom.

Atlas, within my professional development, Michelle Obama comes to mind whenever I get the urge to take it there. I've got to say that I've started taking her lead quite nicely. With the exception of this blog post of course, I have put the word fuck back in my four letter bag. Now I gotta tell ya, I have a very extensive four letter bag - I mean I've got all kinds of combinations - but I'm happy to say that these days - I just smile and WALK AWAY. Now while I am intelligent enough to articulate my points using my extensive vocabulary (that's suburban education for you) I have always found comfort in cursing. It makes ME feel better and it's short, sweet and to the point.

I've turned over a new leaf folks. I have tried my very best to control my temper and be the lady that I once was, MichelleO-esque. Besides, no man wants a woman that curses like a sailor, it's bad enough that I can drink like one (I  know, I know, I'm working on it). lol.

So the next time you fabulous ass ladies feel the need to shake your neck, point your finger, and reach in your four letter bag, just ask yourself - "What would Michelle do?" After-all, do you think that she would be the first lady if she got "ghetto" every time the situation presented itself. Hell NO!!! She would've been seen as a liability. Barack would've had to kick her beautiful chocolate brown self to the curb. Remember this if nothing else, a man wants a woman who is the perfect lady in public, one that will compliment him in all of his career aspirations. Not one that he has to constantly censor or leave at home. I. have. just. come. to. this. realization.

Side bar: Why is it that when a black woman gets angry, she's considered "ghetto", no matter what her socio-economic background is? When other women get angry - they're just standing up for themselves or just simply considered "sassy". What the shit is that all about!? I just felt my blood pressure going up just thinking about the reasons why. *sigh*

Anywho, take a look at my first lady in all of her ebony fashion fair splendor...
This is a video on Michelle's influence on AMERICAN fashion.


*I gotta tell you, she makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. Tough times don't last always.

Brown Skin...You Know I Love You???

So...
I've been contemplating dating outside of my race. 
This is a VERY BIG step for me - for MOST black women. Why is this?
Is it because we are afraid? Are we secretly insecure? ( I think so) The media has betrayed black women as whores, overly- aggressive, opportunistic, domineering and down right stupid and ignorant. Because of this, I feel that deep down, no-one finds us beautiful. I think some of you feel this way too. With prominent (financially well off, powerful, prestigious) black men running into the arms of the first mediocre Caucasian or Latina woman that they see, a little ole' black girl is sure to have some self esteem issues. I won't waste my time typing and your time reading, on how disrespectful our "brothers" can be, so I'll just move on to my intended topic...The REST of the rainbow.


**Sidebar - how could you disrespect your sisters, mothers and aunts? You don't find us beautiful? We practically made you, why would we play you? Don't be so discriminatory with your love black man.


Back to the subject: The REST of the rainbow:
I've been googling different relationships between black women and "others" and I've got to say, I'm not too pleased. My first inquiry was a relationship between black women and Asian men. Tonight I was reading up on black women and Arab men. The prospect of these kinds of relationships: Not good. There is always that underlying - "black women are used simply for sex, but these men will never marry them." WHY!!!??! I think that both of these races/ethnicities/whatever the hell you call it, are absolutely beautiful...but the majority of them won't make an honest woman of me?


You know who I think loves the black woman absolutely unconditionally...? White men. I think that they love us so much that they've convinced everyone else that we are not worthy of anyone else. This is to keep us all to themselves. 


I actually have a few friends that can attest to this. They exclusively date white men. If a black man looked their way, they wouldn't even notice. Question is, can I blame them? As I stated in a blog post earlier, the black man worthy of the ebony queen's hand, is always bending over, giving her his ass to kiss. From what I've seen, white men have a completely different approach. It's called - courting: Definition (1)To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry. Definition (2) To attempt to gain the favor of by attention or flattery. Yeah, men of European descent actually give a shit about getting you to like them. They don't rely on a silly stereotype of a large penis size to compensate for showing a half ass effort to get you to date them. *FYI this is a stereotype by the way. A penis is a penis. It can be the largest penis in the world but if you don't know what the hell to do with it, then you're wasting both of our time - please believe that there are black men out there who don't know what the hell to do with these large penis' that they claim to have. *Mandingo refers to the size (Mandingo tribe-slavery time- google it) not the motion in the ocean. Don't fool yourself, peach people can put it down as well ladies!   


Another race that loves black women: Mexicans: This was shown to be very evident from my trip to Cancun. Not only do Mexican men like black women, they like them nice and chunky! I should probably find me one of these guys since the United States of America will be known as la United Estates la Americana (or whatever the hell the Spanish translation is) in 50 years. Don't believe me? Spanish people have the unique ability to integrate themselves within white culture very easily. For example: Jenny from the block. Google pics of her when she was dating Diddy, then google pics of her when she was engaged to Ben Affleck. hmmm.....These Tea Party Republicans are so pre-occupied with trying to make black people slaves again that they aren't paying attention to the fact that the Spanish population is growing astronomically. Oh well, it was theirs first right? Oh wait, it was the Native Americans, but Pres Andrew Jackson made sure to kill all of them off, so yeah my people of South American decent are next up to reclaim whats theirs I guess.


**Other notables: Men from Bangladesh. From my experience, they are definitely down with the brown. lol


Google these relationships ladies. C'mon black women! I think that if my secret, undercover lover, wish you were my lover, gives me the cold shoulder once I reveal my secret crush/love for him - I'm going to taste the RAINBOW. I'll be officially over trying to appeal to Negro Americans.  Skittles bag- here I come!!!!!!!


Don't believe the Hype: We. Are. The. Shit. Ask about us.


Watch this video: This is a white man ( man of European Decent, peach person) giving his top ten reason on why he thinks that black women are AWESOME!! - Make sure to turn your speakers up.